Posts tagged: Saved By The Blog: The College Years
Things I miss about college
Things I don’t miss about college
Some of us got into it today in my Health & Media class about anorexia. That the most adamant jerk is a grad student in the health field concerns me. She thinks it’s irresponsible for the media to educate teenagers and college students about anorexia—its warning signs, risk factors, causes, health consequences. She thinks telling them about it guarantees they’re going to do it!!!!1 She thinks to publicize it is to glamorize it! And she is gonna talk loud and long because she’s right dammit!!! Never mind that many people with eating disorders are biologically hardwired to behave that way. Never mind that young people spend hours a day watching TV and movies and surfing the Internet and reading girlie magazines, all of which are brimming with skeletal hotties and Acai berry ads and “LOSE WEIGHT FAST” gimmicks and Photoshopped fake-outs. Never mind that those who have eating disorders need help, need hope, and need to be freaking tended to, and never mind that the friends of those with eating disorders may not even know what warning signs to look for in an anorexic friend or roommate. Never mind that while my classmate and her health services buddies “ignore” anorexia, thousands of girls on this campus and others are roaming around, sizing up their peers on the streets and in the bars and on the Interwebs and on the TV box! Maybe somewhere, some are dying from cirrhosis or are hooked up to ventilators after organ failure! Just ignore it though! Just never mind it all! That’ll teach ‘em!
I’m so pumped to be done in 4 weeks. I had 17 assignments remaining when I woke up today, including exams and final papers. By 1pm I was down to 13. What gives? I thought you were supposed to be indifferent toward life once you reach your senior year. Never in my existence have I cared about getting assignments done with more than one second to spare, but for the past few weeks, I’ve been knocking things out like college is going out of style. Which it is. For me. :)
So I signed up for U of I’s research studies when Cory and I got engaged. This means I frequently am invited to be a subject in confidential experimental studies. My rationale was that weddings are so expensive, how can I afford NOT to turn my body over to mad scientists for pennies on the hour? I also painted a man’s living room, donated pints of plasma, and sold book reviews and a resume within days of being engaged. I’ve since settled the F down—and I’ve never taken the researchers’ money.
But I still get their emails. Today’s offer: Eating Behaviors Research. Score! I love eating. I have never been paid to eat. What are the qualifications?
1. Must be between ages 18-45. CHECK!
2. Must be a woman of average weight. CHECK! Ohh yeah! So close!
3. Must engage in recurring purging (i.e. using self-induced vomiting, laxatives, and/or diuretics to control their shape/weight).
…..
Crap.
Maybe next week they’ll study women who binge out on cheese? Please?
When professors post assignments online in .docx form.
Stupid.
It’s getting real, guys.
Sorry I grimaced when you called the drunk girls getting naked in your dorm room “bitches” and also for mentally throwing up my PB & J all over your plaid Abercrombie shorts when I heard you say for the second time today “I’m a natural athlete”.
Barf,
Lindy
PS: The magic trick you described isn’t magic. This is a college town as slutty as they come. I could ask any girl in this computer lab to choose a card, any card, and get her to take off her crop top by telling her it’s the wrong card. Sorry you aren’t more special. Now go wait for the IT people to fix the paper jam from someplace far far away.
For real.
According to the X-actoknife logic carved into the desk I sat at each day for the last 18 weeks:
A. Obama fo yo momma
B. Yo momma is a llama
C. Therefore, Obama is a llama
Oh my sweet, sweet desk mates. What does that even mean? And do your parents know this is how you’re spending their out-of-state tuition dollars? And stop defacing the university’s property, or at least save it for the bathroom stalls. Some people need the reading material!
When a jerk reeking of the same cologne that an ex-boyfriend wore sat behind me today in lecture, fifty minutes of cerebral pandemonium ensued. All of the things I never wanted to relive came screeching back to me—like that time he wore girl jeans every day of his life? And that time he slobbered in broad daylight for no apparent reason? And that time he got pissed at me because I wasn’t playing his Xbox game correctly, because I didn’t know what I was doing so I just started hitting eight buttons all at once, rendering his combat martial arts skills useless and thus ensuring victory after victory? He removed me from the game. He was actually that pissed. Pissed! Now I’m pissed.
Became excited.
Vowed to find it and spend hours studying inside it.
Memorized the informant’s directions to said room.
Found its general location.
Took a wrong turn.
Opened a door.
Found myself surrounded by many academic Asians and stacks and stacks of books full of foreign symbols straight out of a fortune cookie.
Became disoriented; got more and more lost.
Panicked.
Bumbled around for 13 minutes in search of English-speaking people.
Considered jumping out a window.
Found a computer in a tiny nook.
Began to write this blog post describing my situation.
Begged for help from readers and potential rescue teams.
Hit “create post”.
BUT SERIOUSLY. Who is the moron behind the outrage that is the Microsoft Word default font Calibri size ELEVEN? I am sick of this! Get a brain. It is asinine and an eye sore and no professor in this town will accept it and I HATE YOU FOR MAKING ME HAVE TO CHANGE IT EVERY DAY.
I vomit hate speech when I get stressed.
