Q. Can we register for our wedding at Bass Pro Shops?
A. No. Wait are you serious?

Q. But on their website I can create a wish list and email it to guests. Can I?
A. You really are serious! And no.

Q. Can I tell you a secret?
A. Yes. Everyone else does! I’ve got secrets coming out of my ears—most of ‘em are doozies…

Q. What’s wrong? You seem upset.
A. Nothing’s wrong. It’s just my face. The more and more I have to explain to people that I’m in a good mood and defend the look on my face, the more upset I’ll be.

Q. Are the Shrimp Jammers any good?
A. I highly doubt it but I don’t have time right now to wait for you to pick something else because that girl wants ranch, and that lady needs change, and a group of ten just walked in and need menus, drinks, a highchair, and crayons, and that table needs Mountain Dew refills and extra napkins, and I have two appetizers to run before that table’s dinner is ready and so-and-so want their bills—conveniently split into eighths thankyouverymuch and can they get some salsa to take home for their leftovers?, and some brainless newbie took out the wrong Chicken Caesar Wrap and now I have to go panic in the kitchen because that Chicken Caesar Wrap was for the regulars who hate to wait for food to be prepared so yes, the Shrimp Jammers are excellent!!!! THEY ARE SO GOOD YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW JUST MMMMMMMM NOW GIVE ME YOUR MENUS AND DON’T TALK TO ME FOR ELEVEN MINUTES.

Q. Can you change this TV to NASCAR?
A. GD IT! Of course I can change your TV. Do I have time right now? No. Shut up and WAIT.

Q. Are you even old enough to be serving beer?
A. Yes.

Q. What’s hotter—the buffalo, or the mild buffalo?
A. ….

Q. Does the pope shit in the woods?
A. I think you have your expressions mixed up.

Q. Have you had your breasts enhanced?
A. Don’t talk to me.

Q. What should we have for dinner?
A. Watermelon, sweet corn, and a cheese dog.

Q. Is ‘Lindy’ short for something? Lindsey?
A. No.

Q. Girl you break up witch yo bo’frin yiiiit?
A. Barf.

Q. Since when do you have a loaner phone?
A. It’s not.

Q. Do you want to go fishing today?
A. Yes. 

Q. What should we have for breakfast?
A. Cinnamon toast and a banana.