Barnes & Noble is too politically correct for me.

Barnes & Noble, like any store with an MO, segregate their books by topic and display said topics on big, metal, green and white dividers. This is great! This is how human brains function. Want a book about cats? They’ve got a Pets section for that. That was easy.

But I’m not here to talk about cats. I bought my first Teen Beat magazine yesterday. I’m 4 weeks shy of 25, and I will not discuss why I suddenly became hard-up for the Biebster. It is, as the kids say, none of your bee’s wax.

To find this elusive section of magazines featuring horny teen posters and free Taylor Swift temporary tattoos, a section I often see in passing but never dare pay attention to, I had to ask the nice lady at customer service for direction. She pointed two feet to my right and we both smiled huge. A little too huge, considering my age and level of formal education. I digress. My mistake became clear. I had been scouring the magazine section in vein.

The magazine section had been quite a head scratcher for me. While I found no signs of Bieber fever within its oak barriers, I did find a Transportation divider, and beneath it, 76 different magazine titles with different incarnations of sports car you’re not rich enough to own plus half naked girl you’re not cool enough to talk to, ever. There. That’s what the Transportation section has to offer. I think. I couldn’t get a good look, because they place the Transportation section next to the Men’s Interest section, and the Men’s Interest section was overflowing with one exceptionally large man diving shamelessly into his interest: half naked women you’re not cool enough to talk to, ever. If he had the inkling, he could have fingered the likes of Men’s Health, prominently displayed to the right of his nudey devotionals. Men’s Health is ripe with fitness info and, seemingly exclusively, how to get in a girl’s pants. I read one once. They are, to be blunt, pathetic and really stupid. Tsk tsk, men, with your interests, and your sad little magazine section at Barnes & Noble!

Women aren’t much better, at least in terms of predictability. Still in hot pursuit of a Justin Bieber locker poster, I began scanning the shelves for colorful covers with round bubble letters popping out. I was then drawn to a small sect of kids’ magazines within the Women’s Interest section. No Bieber to be found. Instead, aside from 5 kiddo magazines, there were about a million billion cooking magazines and some 53 titles devoted to working out and having sex. Yes, the complicated life journey of women everywhere is not-so-muddied at Barnes & Noble Booksellers: cook, look good, and sleep with people. Then, bear their children and peruse Highlights at your local dental office bookstore.

                                

As it turns out, I totally missed the Teen Non Fiction section, which is where my Bieber hunt finally ended. To be clear, this section is nowhere near the freaking magazine section. Teen Non Fiction is tiny and consists of two things: Teen Beat and company, and the stalker’s guide to Hollywood minors teeny bopping biographies written at a third grade level. I flipped through every single magazine on that God-forsaken rack. I was standing there for way too long. A nearby 7th grader stared daggers at me for looking at her boyfriend (see also: Seventeen, bottom left). At one point, I forgot what life was like before the Jonas brothers.

    

But, in the end, I got what I (sadly) came for, and I found it in the Teen Non Fiction section. Now you know. Also worth knowing — the current issue of Bop is rife with free jelly bracelets.

You’re so welcome!