December 2011
18 posts
Recollections
In 2011 I rang in the New Year in a strange suburb, tip-toed in the Pacific Ocean while Californians bundled up, wandered Vegas for 16 hours, tried my first turkey burger at the giant needle, missed a porn convention by one day, came home to a blizzard, moved, squatted, watched too much HGTV, started wanting a house, started wanting a job, got a house, moved, got a job, ate too many Cheetos during...
Truthful Tuesdee
I want to go back to school. I want to get an MFA in Nonfiction Writing or a graduate degree in Journalism and I want to do nothing but sit in coffee shops and airplanes and pin the world down and mold it into truths I can explain and hold it hostage until it promises to change and then go home for Christmas and bring the right kind of candy thermometer this time so my mom can teach me the right...
Dating for Dummies
I am currently listening to a young Texas schoolteacher, who is spending part of her winter break at a Starbucks in Iowa, talk breathlessly at her lady friend about a dilemma: to send naked pictures of herself to this guy she just met and thinks she kinda likes or not to send naked pictures of herself to this guy she just met and thinks she kinda likes? In case you’re wondering, she has so...
3 tags
That awkward moment when a girl you know only as a...
and her status is “I’d slap you but I don’t wanna get SLUT on my hand(:”
Gah.
“This skirt is giving me a headache. I mean first of all it’s ugly as sin....”
– Really disgruntled Target employee storming around the woman’s clothing department, “ugly as sin” skirt-in-hand, looking for its rack of origin. It is the same exact skirt that I am holding, and loving. Awk-werrd.
Currently watching
Discussion items—
Eeyore is a textbook depressive and nobody seems to, er, bother.
Overly-sensitive parents around the country would cry “Boycott!” if they saw Pooh Bear triple his body weight in one sitting by binging out on a sugary honey snack at Rabbit’s house.
Are a couple of 20-somethings too old to be LOLing at this movie?
"The Shawshank Redemption"
The last thing I remember is falling asleep in the middle of it. When I woke up, I was standing in the corner of my bedroom, knee-deep in a clothes hamper, scratching the wall with my index finger in a futile attempt to tunnel my way out. When I came to, I actually looked back into the darkness over both of my shoulders, thinking to myself, “I really hope nobody saw that.”
I have an irrational fear of home invasions.
And tonight it interfered with my bubble bath. Not cool.
That's not my name (clap clap)
It’s widely known throughout my world that my name is the source of much confusion. How quickly Lindy evolves into Linda into Mindy into Mandy into Amanda into Katrina into Gert into Barb. Then I got married, and all hell broke loose. And now I get to answer to Mandy Moore or Amanda Bryant AND have conversations such as these: Coworker: Okay whoa. Your desk used to say a different last name...
I AM THE 1%.
I think Nutella is grody, and I’m indifferent to the manner in which my toilet paper hangs. “Big whoop,” as my husband would say. “Wanna fight about it?” EDIT: Also I loved Sinbad in “Jingle All The Way”.
Name of business
There’s a time and place for cutsey, and it’s not in a name of business. I love free speech as much as the next lady, but a name like Kuntry Kabinets makes me think of two things: uneducated carpenters, and the C word. All you had to do was not offend cabinet-seeking humans with your name of business. That’s all you had to do.
1 tag
A Banana Bread Skit
Wife, running late for a girl date: I'm already running late, I can't wait for the banana bread buzzer to go off in 4 minutes. Can you take it out in 4 minutes?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Are you sure, because on Thanksgiving you said you'd take out the cornbread, and you forgot to and--
Husband: Honey! You can trust me. I'm not an idiot.
Wife: I know, it's just, the cornbread--
Husband: I'm not gonna do that again. I'm a changed man. Go! You're gonna be late.
Wife: Just listen for the buzzer. It'll go off in 3 minutes.
*TWO AND A HALF HOURS LATER*
Wife, via text: How's the banana bread?
Husband: ...........
Husband: I'm so sorry.
Men. Can't live with 'em. Can't trust 'em with breads.
Podism
There’s a girl walking around the office with a hot cocoa cart. She has the coveted drank as well as marshmallows and mini candy canes. Think of her as sign from God amidst incompetent sales reps and nit-picky Podiatrists. I didn’t want to appear too excited, because it was after all just a dixie cup of heated chocolate water I was after, so I slyly peered over my cubicle as she inched...
4 tags
Groceries are funny
Me: meet me in the produce department.
Mom: alright! lettuce do that.
Mom: I'll try to turnip on time!
8 tags
An open letter to Stephen G. Bloom
You’re right. We are inept. We call soda “pop” and indoor parking garages “ramps”. We love meatloaf and casseroles and our children operate lemonade stands, for shame. Who let us near the ballot box? What do a coupl’a million gun toters know ‘bout politics? And what in the Sam Hill is a Tea Partier? Congratulations. You’ve managed to immerse yourself...
Kim K's marriage
#thingsthatlastedlongerthanHermanCainscampaign