January 2010
32 posts
2 tags
Sarah Palin is rubbing off on people.
Yesterday during our father/daughter/son pizza date, I asked my dad what kind of pop he had. He answered matter-of-factly, “All of them!” I giggled.
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Gaydar
After days of grappling with my gaydar, I’ve finally decided my “Text as Technology” professor is totally gay. Then he unclasped his hands for once, and my eyes beheld a wedding ring. Then I become fraught with confusion. Then I realized I live in Iowa, and in Iowa, that sort of thing is legal. So proud of my state!
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Welcome to Academia, Where Fun Words Be Damned.
Sometimes I use words in my writing that professors deem inappropriate, odd, or simply will mark with a series of question marks.
For instance—
…in cahoots with <—??????? …doddle <—odd word…
I really hate that.
Ink Inc.
You know what? Paying $20 for ink is bogus, kinda like paying $70 for a smug and hairy locksmith to stick a hanger in your window crack is. Even so, by the time my printer inevitably craps out, I will have spent over 500% of the cost of the printer on ink alone. That’s true! Contacting my congressman now.
Tila Tequila Claims To Be Knocked Up
Question: Is it too soon to get DHS involved?
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Justice White, Shmustice White
I am not a law student, and this is not a law class. So why am I writing a case brief on Carpenter v. US Supreme Court 484 U.S. 19? I don’t understand what the Word document in front of my eyeballs is talking about, and I’m the one who wrote it. It’s just letters and numbers that I’ve strung together in the style of my incomprehensible professor from Papua New Guinea. What...
I almost drank a spider today.
F that.
Dearly Beloved Baristas--
Lesson 1 Lattes and cappuccinos are made of steamed milk and espresso. When you pull your loud, hot wand that’s on your espresso machine toward the top of the milk while it is steaming, it creates foam. Lattes should have very little to no foam on top. Cappuccinos should have a significant amount of foam. This is the difference between the two. Lesson 2 Mochas are a type of latte. They are...
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No Uggscuses
I wonder what percentage of female college students spent a portion of their financial aid money on Ugg boots this year.
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Oops?
Three decisions I’ve made today and why they were very bad— 1. I wore my pink and white Rocket Dog impostors despite the 6 inches of slush that has inundated the state. Traipsing cross-campus in $12 shoes through icy pools of slush is a horrid thing to do. Oh, hi hypothermia. You are a bitch. 2. I also wore a scarf today. My thoughts were that I would look pretty. Instead, I’m...
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Help?
Classes are in session, so naturally there is a man walking around the library parking lot wearing a grim reaper mask, a black shirt, and black pants. Because nothing says “Welcome back, Hawkeyes” quite like thoughts of being murdered. Off to learn!
Rockin' Out With Safelite
This morning I had the good fortune of following a Safelite Auto Glass Repair minivan on the interstate, and of all the things, its rear tires were heaving tiny rocks at my windshield. Was this accidental? The result of rocky, salty, winter roads? Or was this genius marketing on the part of Safelite’s minivan operator? I’m guessing the latter; tsk tsk, Safelite! If I wanted to be...
3 tags
Inspired By Boyfriend
leftovers monger consuming my stir fry— put down the soy sauce
You're Next, Volkswagen of Cedar Rapids
It was spite that drove me to pay my entire Kohl’s charge card balance today. And though I’m $290 poorer than I was when I woke up, I feel richer somehow. Funny how those things work.
Being Human Linked to Cancer
Tonight I googled “linked to cancer”. Here’s what I learned about cancer. I learned that heavy cell phone use, childhood physical abuse, CT Scans, one sausage per day, coal, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, breast tenderness, Formaldehyde, alcohol, red meat, obesity, pesticide pollution, Chinese herbal products, road salt, Folic Acid and Vitamin B12, The Graveyard Shift, oral sex, pot,...
In My Opinion...
…there is something very wrong with a person who devotes any amount of time to fighting against gay people having rights. I really don’t want to hear any more about what your Bible says to you. Mine says to love one another. Period.
Hateful Things, 31-50
spilling alcoholic beverages on my “dry clean only” coat; accidentally getting an eyeful of fresh or rotting roadkill; a bladder brimming with urine mid-long night’s sleep; painfully loud snoring; when people smoke at intersections and the stench seeps through your car vents; wet socks on my tootsies; popcorn kernels stuck in your mouth; when the ink runs out amidst a lengthy...
Flatulence Never Sleeps
We come to expect being awoken by snoring, shouting, doors slamming, cars honking, dogs barking, and alarms wailing. We never expect to be awoken by a loud, long fart from clear across the house. That just happened.
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Trice The Rice
Due to my inability to thoroughly read a recipe and the back of rice bags, I have in my possession 10 and a half pounds of cooked long-grain white rice. I do not want this rice. My options are plenty. I can
channel Jehovah’s Witnesses and sell it door-to-door. Might get frostbite.
use it, but I’ll still have enough left to feed Octofamily for a year.
toss it, but that’d be...
Snow Turds...
…are the giant clumps of snowy muck found in and around wheel wells during the winter. I love them—but doesn’t everyone? There’s nothing else like kicking snow turds with all my might, then damning it to Hell because my boots with the furrrr aren’t stealth and the pain has begun coursing through my entire foot. I’ll carry on anyway, because when the snow turds...
Soapbox Where My Heart Used To Be
Harry Reid said some words that you and I both agree with, but because he is the Senate Majority Leader, and because his statement dabbled in racial politics, he is being berated for it. Obama appeals to white people and black people.Can anybody honestly disagree with this? And yet, that’s what this is all about? Reid’s terminology was politically correct. He used no offensive or...
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I can't wait to get a real job.
I am so sick of people’s incessant whining about the strength of their drink. The next idiot who gives me some ludicrous comment about their beverage (“Miss? Can I get some %$&@ing Coke for my Jack???!!!!” or “This is not a Long Island. I don’t know what you gave me, but this tastes like shit.”) is going to get a face full of hurt. Listen to me. You’re...
Wait...What?
“A New Mexico family is suing two funeral homes after their deceased relative’s brain was included in a bag of her personal effects. The dead woman reportedly died in a car crash in Utah in September. Valle said that sometime during the process of transporting her body from Utah to New Mexico for burial, her brain was put in a plastic bag, labeled “brain” and later given...
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No Offense, Green Tea
Did you know that hot cocoa contains more antioxidants than red wine and green tea? It’s true! Drinking hot cocoa can help improve blood circulation and platelet health, shield blood vessels from dangerous free radicals, and prevent heart disease. And from the 1500s to 1800s, it was consumed to alleviate fever, liver disease, and even bad moods! Impressive, that hot cocoa. In the 2000s, I...
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Classic Dad
Dad’s in California. I am not. After I spent many painstaking minutes scraping frost off my car in -9 degree temperatures, he called just to tell me that “it’s actually seasonably warm here! I’m in shorts and sandals, overlooking a canyon and some mountains!” Thanks for the suckerpunch, Dad. Watch out for Maria Shriver. I hear she doesn’t adhere to road signs...
6 tags
Because Who Doesn't Want Bean Sprouts for...
Hy-Vee is still running their holiday gift card commercials. Hy-Vee, are you standing firm on your claim that Hy-Vee gift cards are “the perfect gift for any gift-giving occasion”? I never thought to give a relative the gift of groceries after a successful gastric-bypass, or my spastic niece a frolic in the canned fruit aisle for birthday number four. But I believe you. In other news...
No such thing as a smart question
I work with an imbecile. She’s a server months in the making, but each day feels like her very first. Until recently I couldn’t be within earshot of her. Then I started writing down all of the stupid things she says, and now I love her. “What kind of straw does the margarita come with?” “Is it considered rude to clear empty cans and bottles off a table?”...
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An Ode To Oh Nine
Disclaimer: I was busy shoveling absolutely disgusting, cheap ass free champaign down the throats of NYE guests at midnight, and I didn’t get the proper ‘09 goodbye I wanted. So here’s to you and me, ‘09. We had quite a wacky run: A is for Animal Shelters, which I frequented for two purposes. First, to look for a puppy to call my own (sigh…still looking), and second,...