December 2009
20 posts
4 tags
Shameless Tissue Plug
With newspapers downsizing, Dunder Mifflin going bankrupt, and the dollar losing its value on the daily, someone has to step up and save the dying paper industry. That person is me, per the massive amount of Kleenex I have used since Christmas morning. You’re welcome, paper industry… although my septum (which reddens by the milisecond) seriously resents you.
7 tags
Old-Fashioned December
snow fort engineers plead for hot cocoa under a birdless blue sky December has come and nearly gone. I love winters but they’re nothing like the winters of my childhood. Where are the stockpiles of snow drifts and why am I still being awoken by birds screaming outside my window? Maybe I was just oblivious to seasonal imperfections as a child. Maybe the birds were always there and I’m...
3 tags
Based on True Events
I am a waitress— watching you and your sloppy, slurring companion gaily flee your booth, a would-be breeding ground if not for stringent social norms and arbitrary health codes. I am a waitress— soaking a bar rag in 100 proof cocktail condensation; seeing what I believe to be a rebel napkin resting beneath your booth; bending at the knees to retrieve the paper runaway; agonizing over the...
3 tags
Tax Deed
I am a child— revving my brother’s Tonka trucks in an endangered backyard sandbox; showing off to Mom with my round off triple-back handspring back tuck; cart wheeling madly through cold sprinkler water; existing simply and oblivious to bad people. I am a child— sprinting downhill down Fourth Ave, the street you’d one day stalk; stopping beside my barefoot dad in the brand new driveway; dropping...
1 tag
Moms Be Crazy
My mom worries so much, she worries about worrying. For instance: “Let me know if you hear anything new about the weather. I need to know how much to worry about you kids.” Mothers. Ya gotta love ‘em.
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Overheard in Class
Girl 1: Where were you Tuesday?
Girl 2: I thought I had pink eye, but I just have allergies!
Girl 1: That sucks!
Girl 2: I can’t wear my contacts because they’re too dry and scratchy, and I just lost my glasses too! I can’t find them anywhere!
Girl 1: Oh my God, you’ve had a really BAD year.
Girl 2: Oh my God, I really have!
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Tiger Woods Can Golf
In a shocking twist to an already messy sex scandal, the man behind the mistresses has been voted Athlete of the Decade by the Associated Press. This one’s got people scratching their heads. What’s more, the AP’s got proof to back up their choice. Apparently Woods has won 65 PGA Golf events, 64 world titles, and 12 majors since 2000, and PGA of America has voted him Player...
2 tags
Oh Joy
Finals week may be here, but my brain cells checked out weeks ago. Sorry distinguished professors!
3 tags
Grandmas Know Everything
My knuckle is bothersome and swelling to unusual proportions because I touched it to the oven tonight while it was preheated to 400 degrees because I was baking my friend snickerdoodle cookies because I’m seeing her tonight and I want to make her smile because I’ve had her jacket for weeks and I’m just now giving it back because she lent it to me on Halloween night when it was...
1 tag
Hateful Things, 1-30
hail damage, Sarah Palin, reality TV, incompetent drivers, nuclear warfare, terrorists, pirates, the fact that I can never wait for my hot chocolate to cool, people who piss away money, late fees, cancellation fees, finance charges, roaming rates, locksmiths’ fees, tuition hikes (!!!), media sensationalism, the far right, Carrie Prejean, people who take hostages, jamming fingers in doors,...
3 tags
"Common" Sense? Not Likely.
I work at a sports bar and we serve phenomenal pizza. The menu states there are three sizes for people to choose from: Small (12”), Medium (14”), and Large (16”). And every day, I find myself having the following conversation—
“How big is your small pizza?”
“It shows the sizes riiight here (points to menu). It’s 12 inches.”
“Yes but...
2 tags
Snow: A PSA
There’s a new thing called “snow” and it’s pronounced “ss+no” and Iowans are going stupid crazy over it. Apparently just the mention of the word “snow” by a meteorologist causes humans in vehicles to make a beeline for ditches, medians, homes, and embankments. And when snow starts to fall out of the sky, forget about it; you’ll want to keep an...
4 tags
Lingaygate
The gears in my brain are moving, and it’s ABCNews’ fault. What is with this silly “tack ‘gate’ onto the end of scandal-related words and voila” phenomenon? Watergate was named after a hotel: Watergate Hotel. Climategate, Crashergate, and Tigergate are not hotels. It just doesn’t feel right ending random words in ‘gate’ and calling it a...
3 tags
Virgin Limerick
There once was a girl named Tiffany Who seldom had any epiphany Til while on her phone She drove through orange cones And realized at once her stupidity
Rhyming is hard! Avoiding florescent road hazards is not.
