February 2012
4 posts
Cory turning me into a morning person is about as...
This is my cowardly way of telling my family and...
Menstrual cramps to the layperson. *Love you Web MD.
1 tag
Fishing For Compliments Fail
Cory: I love morning storms.
Me: Me too honey. What else do you love?
Cory: Wakeboarding.
Me: ...ohh.
January 2012
7 posts
Mini Blogs
My mom says she misses my blog posts, so here are some mini posts to tide her over while I dream up something truly brilliant.
POPCORN Our videographer just gave us our wedding video. The best part is the moment when you can vaguely hear me yelling at Cory for spilling popcorn on the dance floor. Because apparently, in a marriage, it is never too soon to start nagging. BOOTS I feel stupid because...
2 tags
Shutters
Me: when we decide on a new color, can we just paint the shutters we already have? Or do we have to buy new ones?
Cory: it depends on the shape of the shutters.
Me: oh. Are you thinking we might go with a different shape than rectangle? I didn't really think about shapes.
*Mutually confused silence*
Cory: ...it depends what shape the current shutters are IN.
I can't fathom why the neighbor lady finds it...
3 tags
Too bad eating yogurt with a big fork wasn't my...
RIP New Year's resolution
I did try. For an hour forty-five.
It’s TOO HARD!!
December 2011
18 posts
Recollections
In 2011 I rang in the New Year in a strange suburb, tip-toed in the Pacific Ocean while Californians bundled up, wandered Vegas for 16 hours, tried my first turkey burger at the giant needle, missed a porn convention by one day, came home to a blizzard, moved, squatted, watched too much HGTV, started wanting a house, started wanting a job, got a house, moved, got a job, ate too many Cheetos during...
Truthful Tuesdee
I want to go back to school. I want to get an MFA in Nonfiction Writing or a graduate degree in Journalism and I want to do nothing but sit in coffee shops and airplanes and pin the world down and mold it into truths I can explain and hold it hostage until it promises to change and then go home for Christmas and bring the right kind of candy thermometer this time so my mom can teach me the right...
Dating for Dummies
I am currently listening to a young Texas schoolteacher, who is spending part of her winter break at a Starbucks in Iowa, talk breathlessly at her lady friend about a dilemma: to send naked pictures of herself to this guy she just met and thinks she kinda likes or not to send naked pictures of herself to this guy she just met and thinks she kinda likes? In case you’re wondering, she has so...
3 tags
That awkward moment when a girl you know only as a...
and her status is “I’d slap you but I don’t wanna get SLUT on my hand(:”
Gah.
“This skirt is giving me a headache. I mean first of all it’s ugly as sin....”
– Really disgruntled Target employee storming around the woman’s clothing department, “ugly as sin” skirt-in-hand, looking for its rack of origin. It is the same exact skirt that I am holding, and loving. Awk-werrd.
Currently watching
Discussion items—
Eeyore is a textbook depressive and nobody seems to, er, bother.
Overly-sensitive parents around the country would cry “Boycott!” if they saw Pooh Bear triple his body weight in one sitting by binging out on a sugary honey snack at Rabbit’s house.
Are a couple of 20-somethings too old to be LOLing at this movie?
"The Shawshank Redemption"
The last thing I remember is falling asleep in the middle of it. When I woke up, I was standing in the corner of my bedroom, knee-deep in a clothes hamper, scratching the wall with my index finger in a futile attempt to tunnel my way out. When I came to, I actually looked back into the darkness over both of my shoulders, thinking to myself, “I really hope nobody saw that.”
I have an irrational fear of home invasions.
And tonight it interfered with my bubble bath. Not cool.
That's not my name (clap clap)
It’s widely known throughout my world that my name is the source of much confusion. How quickly Lindy evolves into Linda into Mindy into Mandy into Amanda into Katrina into Gert into Barb. Then I got married, and all hell broke loose. And now I get to answer to Mandy Moore or Amanda Bryant AND have conversations such as these: Coworker: Okay whoa. Your desk used to say a different last name...
I AM THE 1%.
I think Nutella is grody, and I’m indifferent to the manner in which my toilet paper hangs. “Big whoop,” as my husband would say. “Wanna fight about it?” EDIT: Also I loved Sinbad in “Jingle All The Way”.
Name of business
There’s a time and place for cutsey, and it’s not in a name of business. I love free speech as much as the next lady, but a name like Kuntry Kabinets makes me think of two things: uneducated carpenters, and the C word. All you had to do was not offend cabinet-seeking humans with your name of business. That’s all you had to do.
1 tag
A Banana Bread Skit
Wife, running late for a girl date: I'm already running late, I can't wait for the banana bread buzzer to go off in 4 minutes. Can you take it out in 4 minutes?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Are you sure, because on Thanksgiving you said you'd take out the cornbread, and you forgot to and--
Husband: Honey! You can trust me. I'm not an idiot.
Wife: I know, it's just, the cornbread--
Husband: I'm not gonna do that again. I'm a changed man. Go! You're gonna be late.
Wife: Just listen for the buzzer. It'll go off in 3 minutes.
*TWO AND A HALF HOURS LATER*
Wife, via text: How's the banana bread?
Husband: ...........
Husband: I'm so sorry.
Men. Can't live with 'em. Can't trust 'em with breads.
Podism
There’s a girl walking around the office with a hot cocoa cart. She has the coveted drank as well as marshmallows and mini candy canes. Think of her as sign from God amidst incompetent sales reps and nit-picky Podiatrists. I didn’t want to appear too excited, because it was after all just a dixie cup of heated chocolate water I was after, so I slyly peered over my cubicle as she inched...
4 tags
Groceries are funny
Me: meet me in the produce department.
Mom: alright! lettuce do that.
Mom: I'll try to turnip on time!
8 tags
An open letter to Stephen G. Bloom
You’re right. We are inept. We call soda “pop” and indoor parking garages “ramps”. We love meatloaf and casseroles and our children operate lemonade stands, for shame. Who let us near the ballot box? What do a coupl’a million gun toters know ‘bout politics? And what in the Sam Hill is a Tea Partier? Congratulations. You’ve managed to immerse yourself...
Kim K's marriage
#thingsthatlastedlongerthanHermanCainscampaign
November 2011
16 posts
Words With Frienemies
If you have to cheat to play Words With Friends, you have hit rock bottom and need to enroll in life rehab. “FIRKIN”? Really guy?
hmmphrey asked: I think you are the person I like following most on Tumblr. Your posts are always interesting/funny and concise, and you don't fire out 40 posts of drivel at a time. You get it just right. Anyway a Q: Who is that in your profile pic?
"Layer Cake"
is a terrible movie. Sample dialogue: “F*ck off! You f*cking scared the shit of out me. For f*ck’s sake. Please tell me you’re f*cking joking. Are you f*cking demented? Big fat f*cker. We can’t rely on these f*cking monkeys. We need the f*cking pills! How f*ckin’ dare you? F*ck yourself. F*ck.” Cory’s not allowed around the Netf*cks queue anymore.
1 tag
Nostalgia
Things I miss about college
Being challenged
Participating in thoughtful debates
Learning about the world
Opening my mind
Things I don’t miss about college
Pulling a notebook out of my book bag before a classroom full of guys only to find a tampon stuck fast in the spiral.
And that’s it.
A compilation of people I don't trust
people who name their babies Lester
people who have Yahoo email address
people who say things like “It’s just a daddy long-leg”
people who name their babies Newt
3 tags
Some people will go their entire lives without ever understanding how to merge into traffic like a normal person.
A lady refilling the ice cube tray at work just...
Every day from 9 to 5:30 I feel like I’m in an unfunny version of Seinfeld.
1 tag
The Pig Phase
In third grade I had a thing with pigs. My friends Cari and Marly and I had imaginary pigs and they would fight in the computer lab and get tangled up in the parachute in gym class and get us in trouble during Mini Math with Mrs. Krueger, who finally segregated us from each other in order to nip our hyperactivity due in part to pigs in the butt. I was a third grader. I was like, 5. I don’t...
1 tag
Breaking news: I just found out that this guy is...
Minne-sorta Re-thinking This
It’s awfully depressing being the fan of a team that sucks annually. I’m going on my 15th year as a Minnesota Vikings fan. A couple of weeks back, after a game went predictably awful, I quietly asked Cory if we could maybe quit the Vikings and find a new favorite team. He said “I don’t think it works like that.” I dropped the subject and crumpled my purple t-shirt up...
3 tags
How Kohl's managed to make Black Friday shopping...
“Black Friday, Black Friday, gotta go to Kohl’s on Black Friday.” Job well done, f**kers. I’m never stepping foot in your store again. I hate you, Lindy PS: Please send me many coupons and soon so I can partake in your boot selection ASAP lololz.
“If you find yourself asking yourself (and your friends), “Am I really a...”
– Steven Pressfield
1 tag
Like daughter like dad
me: are you ok dad? you sound really…hyper
dad: I’m great I took a 5 Hour Energy at 1 today so that’s why I’m hyper so it’s been about 4 hours so it should wear off in about 42 minutes I’m guessing me: oh! I love 5 Hour Energies. I drank them all the time in college dad: yeah I have a 5 Hour Energy 4…5…I’d say 4 or 5 times every week so...
Skittles
I would like to fist bump the inventor of Skittles.
“why isn’t the password Daisy?” he asks her and she says “because Daisy was the password last time” like it’s the second day of school and just the thought of wearing that delicate pink dress with yellow trim two days in a row would be a bewilderment <3
"oh hail no"
-every black actor forever
October 2011
2 posts
1 tag
Dear ABC News,
Dumpster is not a proper noun.
All the best,
Lindy
1 tag
Married Life
People keep asking me what married life is like and if it’s any different than being single. From what I’ve experienced the last 11 days, the only thing different is that we now go to bed at 8:30p Sunday through Friday, and on Saturdays we drink Coors banquet beer early and often. I have a hunch that the latter is mostly unrelated to marriage per Iowa Hawkeye football. Also, married...
September 2011
2 posts
Barnes & No Bull
Barnes & Noble is too politically correct for me. Barnes & Noble, like any store with an MO, segregate their books by topic and display said topics on big, metal, green and white dividers. This is great! This is how human brains function. Want a book about cats? They’ve got a Pets section for that. That was easy. But I’m not here to talk about cats. I bought my first Teen Beat...
2 tags
Cory & I were shopping for rehearsal dinner...
Me: Oh! Can we serve dinner rolls?
Cory: What? Dinner rolls?
Me: Yes, I think we should do dinner rolls.
Cory: What the hell is a dinner roll?
Me: It's dinner rolls. Like a dinner roll?
Cory: But what is a dinner roll?
Me: It's a dinner roll! It's bread, and you cut it in half, and you put butter in the middle.
Cory: ...are you talking about tea biscuits?
My future husband, people.
July 2011
7 posts
Des Moines Woman Reports Being Hit By Bratwurst →
Authorities say a Des Moines woman has been assaulted with a bratwurst at her home. Des Moines television station KCCI reports that the incident occurred Monday night. Sixty-three-year-old Connie Jones told police that she got into an argument with 31-year-old Tajuana Banks. Jones says Banks yelled profanities at her, then picked up a bratwurst and threw it at Jones. It struck her chest. A...