May 2012
10 posts
1 tag
So we got a new vehicle. Despite this...
Me: It's so big, Cory. Everyone's gonna make fun of me when I drive it.
Cory: They're not gonna make fun of you! They're gonna love it. They're gonna look at you and say things like..."Cool...how many kids do you have?"
1 tag
Observations of a puppy mom
It’s been 3 months! Let’s see what’s chapping my ass.
People of my neighborhood! 1. Get a brain. 2. Buy a garbage can. There are certain nearby lawns that are in a constant state of landfill. Throw your garbage away! If not for the environment, do it so I don’t have to extract your used Wet Wipes and tin foil from the mouth of my puppy every day.
All of the above, but...
When there is nothing more I want than to put my...
kimbaland:
1 tag
Leave it to Nancy Grace to make "VOLKSWAGEN"...
I very much enjoy my 28 mpg, heated seats and ability to win at road rage per high speeds and NASCAR evasive maneuvering. -Satisfied non-murderer in a Jetta
Trigger Happy
The bright side to all these shootings, stabbings, home invasions and murders taking place around me is that, with each criminal complaint, I am a little bit closer to my dream of being selected for jury duty!!! Now that is seeing the glass half full. (Or proof that I am a little bit disturbed.)
Memorial Day
Me: Do you know when Memorial Day is?
Bryan: Labor Day.
1 tag
Did you know?
Turns out those kids we all grew up with who told allegedly tall tales of dogs eating their homework were telling the TRUTH. I know this is a fact because we’ve been raising a demon puppy for a little over two months now and after much consideration and many unintended chew toys, it’s the only thing that makes sense to me.
Related kind of: Here’s a picture of Camo being...
1 tag
April 2012
16 posts
1 tag
Heated seats
Cory: You know that Explorer in Janesville we've been looking at? No deal.
Me: Oh no, why?
Cory: Because it doesn't have heated seats!
Me: Hahaha, ok..I think you're being-
Cory: Dont, no, I know what you're gonna say-
Me: White Whine?!
Cory: But this isn't a White Whine. It is not. Have you ever climbed in a car with leather seats in the winter THAT DIDNT HAVE HEATED SEATS IT IS THE WORST IT REALLY SUCKS you have to sit and wait for the car to warm up and just be COLD.
Me: OMFG really? Definitely not a White Whine situation then. [sarcasm with a smile]
“Life is too short to not eat cinnamon with every meal.”
– Anyone who’s got their shit together
What 25 years of logic has taught me:
Life is too short to use shitty hangers and not wear sweatpants on the weekends.
1 tag
Actual words I've said today:
Quit licking the potatoes.
Hey! We don’t eat armchairs in this family.
How much of that toilet paper did you actually injest?
Would you just poop already? My nipples could slice limes out here.
G thangs & Jiggy Butter Lin
I created an Outkast station on Pandora and it’s been the soundtrack to my life for the last five days. I love it. I love bopping my head to the funky sounds and impossibly witty lyrics. I love the fact that the artists rely on artistry, not auto tune. It’s a throwback to the 90s and early 2000s with a few fun recent hits flung in for good measure. One thing, though: these people are so very...
Into Town
Bryan and I had gone “into town” that morning, for what I can’t remember. “Into town” is small town Iowa slang for “Cedar Rapids” or “Waterloo” or some other city that is “technically a metropolis” and has a “Barnes & Noble Booksellers” as well a “Starbucks”. We probably went to Starbucks that morning. We probably had a coupon, it being his birthday and all. We probably both ordered a venti...
1 tag
Did you know?
There is an unpublished instruction on most boxes of Macaroni & Cheese .
1. Bring water to a boil.
2. Boil noodles 7 minutes.
3. Strain noodles.
4. Add cheese, margarine and milk.
5. Then add 1 to 5 more cups of whatever cheese(s) you can find in your fridge.
Not a lot of people know that.
Work emails
When did people stop understanding how to put together a coherent sentence?
if this is about print ad use info i put in the ad i was designing and the images from the attachment called ad idea and also put the body from the attachment called ad idea starting at Name brand accessories through…and so much more i hope this helps
Why don’t you just kill me, “Nicole.”
1 tag
Being in airports with children
My little feet schlepped through the airport in hot pink sandals, straggling behind my parents and my big brother, Bryan. The plan was to return the white Dodge Dynasty rental car keys to the lady at the counter, then hop a plane headed to the Windy City. From there we’d be just four hours away from our quaint little home in Iowa.
My parents were new to the nightmare that is being in...
Father/Son Bonding
Send help! I need ZZZZs. Cory and Camo are two peas in a pod sawin’ logs.
Fortunately for Camo I would never, ever karate kick a puppy in the shin! But Cory’s not a puppy. He is a husband. Hii-yaw!
There are still people with land lines!!!
Don’t you just hate it when it’s 9:14pm and you know it’s past your bedtime but you can’t sleep because it’s 74 degrees outside on April 2nd and you’ve got your windows open and your next door neighbor’s phone keeps RINGRINGRINGing in Dolby Surround sound for Pete’s sake?
The one with all the wedding photos
Cory and I are approaching 6 months since our wedding, and in that time I have posted more photos of my 11 week old puppy than I have “the happiest day of my life.” I’m just so overwhelmed by the enormous amount of wedding photos burning a hole on my hard drive. It’s hard for me to wrap my mind around them all, let alone my very favorites that give me goosebumps! Our...
March 2012
35 posts
1 tag
re: the time we drank all the amaretto
Cory: So I see you got a one-liter bottle, lush.
Me: They actually had an economy size bottle that was, like, twice the size! But it was huge so...
Cory: Yeah we definitely don't need a bottle THAT big.
Me: Totally, that's what I thought. We hardly drink anymore, right?
*nine days later*
Me: Hey, who drank all the amaret--
Cory: We did.
If the glove fits...
Guess who just got 1% more domesticated? Learning Objectives
“Trowel” is the technical term for the little shovel thing
“Weed barrier” is the technical term for a tarp thing under the rocks
Just when you think you can fathom planting things, a worm happens
Hey! That wasn’t terrible. Next up: bushes for the front yard
1 tag
After 4 hours of biting, barking, peanut butter,...
Time for beers hard liquor vodka & OJ! GAH!
Love you/hate you, caps lock key
At some point in middle school, I stopped using the shift key and began capitalizing letters via the caps lock key—exclusively. It’s a bad habit that I find myself resenting at least once a day. Seriously people, typing [caps lock] M [caps lock] y name is [caps lock] L [caps lock] indy [caps lock] M [caps lock] ae got old about eight years ago. So that...
1 tag
I decided to be rebellious & take a hot shower...
The steam set off a nearby smoke detector and I spent 7 minutes with my fingers stuck in my ears. Never again.
Channeling Chandler Bing
Nobody knows what I do at my job—not even the people closest to me. When they ask about what I do with myself from 9 to 5:30 each day, I tell them
“I don’t know………….I seriously don’t.”
[sigh] “I don’t feel like talking about it.”
“I edit ads. Except, not really.”
I’m like Chandler Bing in Monica’s...
1 tag
Mrs. Clean
I know my priorities are in order at work because when I found out the IT guy was coming to fix my phone today, I frantically cleaned my desk and dusted my computer for the first time since starting here nine months ago.
I like to present a healthy image to people around the office. And by healthy, I really mean fraudulent!
Cool Whip
heytootall:
I’ve successfully convinced Lindy that eating Cool Whip on toast is a thing and it’s something I’ve loved since I was a child. All this, even though we’ve almost never had Cool Whip in the house for the last six years and not once has she ever seen me eat any sort of whipped topping on warmed bread. I took it a little further a few weeks ago by buying some Cool Whip to make it look...
The terrible part about being married is that the...
#WHITEWHINE #LEGITIMATEANGER
I wish I had a friend at work so I could ask them...
:(
Psst!
Why is the temp girl one cubicle over explaining to people the way in which her dad used to shave his mustache in high school? Why? WHY??! Work, idiot. Or in your case, color your ass off. (She literally gets paid to make 3 phone calls a day, and spends the rest of her 8 hours coloring in coloring books and talking about her parents.) END RANT!!!!!
MISSING: One (1) blackberry yogurt
Last seen: March 13, 2012; 9:05am Last known location: The fridge at work Description: Blue with a shiny top Thanks a heap, thieving mean-ass/confused person who made an honest mistake!
Office Snob
I’m finding it hard to play nice with co-workers who format their spreadsheets like utter baffoons. In the words of my dad, “Were you born in a BARN?”
On bitch signs
“Keep off the grass” signs seemed silly to me, until I started a new job and suddenly became the sign’s target audience every damn day. THAT STUPID SIGN! FOREVER TARDY BECAUSE OF THE SIGN! SO MUCH GRASS/NOT ENOUGH SIDEWALK!
1 tag
An exercise in gluttony
If you are what you eat, today I was a coconut cookie head. Not pictured: Girl Scout cookies #2 and #3. And #4. And banana bread.
OMG eww.
Just learned there’s such a thing as Donald Trump Jr. :(
That feeling you get when the guy on the radio...
Like finding money in your pocket or realizing it’s Friday when you thought it was Thursday!
1 tag
Celebrate good times, come on!
Camo the puppy decided to celebrate his first accident-free day by peeing in the kitchen, first thing the morning after. Here’s to our new mop!
Thoughts re: the department elder
Just because your son and I went to the same high school does not mean I want to talk about his football team every time you and I meet at the copier.
Your purple velvet pants are like glorified sweat pants, yet you remain un-scolded while I grimace in stiff, starchy jeans. Not that I’m jealous. Which I am.
Do you and your friends ever talk about the way young people smell?